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Archive for the ‘Food for Thought’ Category

Barriers, constraints, and beliefs — What’s holding you back?

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , , , on January 20, 2013| 1 Comment »

Last week, faithful reader Amy asked me to elaborate on constraints and perception of self as relates to achieving goals. Thank you, Amy, for reading, commenting, and asking for me. Here are my thoughts. Let me know if this clarifies the concepts.

External Barriers

Have you heard of food deserts? Apparently, in some inner cities, there aren’t enough grocery stores and the ones they have are not conveniently located for all.  People who live in these areas are challenged to provide healthy meals for their families because if they don’t have a car, they have to rely on public transportation — or getting a ride from others — to get them to and from the grocery store. They are then limited in what they purchase based on what they can carry back easily and what will not start to spoil (frozen or refrigerated items) on the way home. In addition, they would need to plan menus in advance to ensure what they bought would be just what they would need in the coming days. There are, however, fast food restaurants and convenience stores. As you can imagine, for many in these areas, their nutritional intake is less than optimal. This is an example of an external barrier, created by forces outside us. It presents a challenge, but those who are committed to eating healthier food will find a way to overcome it.

Constraints

When my husband and I decided to start a family, we agreed we wanted one of us to be at home with our kids. We were in a position, financially, to be able to do this. We have a son, and my husband has been home with him since I returned to work after maternity leave about six years ago. This decision, while it has been great for us — and I wouldn’t do it differently given the opportunity, has created some constraints. Living on one income required us to be extra careful with how we spend money, not often buying high-priced items, and we don’t take elaborate vacations. This is an example of a self-imposed constraint, made with full awareness of what we were investing and sacrificing. And, at any time we can make a different decision about how we handle this area of our lives; we have that control.

Self-Limiting Beliefs

What you believe to be true about yourself is the single most powerful indicator of your success. As Henry Ford said, Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right. These beliefs are formed very early in our lives, mostly based on what others tell us about ourselves and what we are capable of. After all, as you are a child growing up, surrounded by older and presumably (but not necessarily) wiser people, we believe what they say is true and possible; how are we to know otherwise?

Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re right.  — Henry Ford

I’m reminded of the movie The Help, set in 1962 Jackson, Mississippi. The main character, a black housekeeper named Abilene tells the story of the children she raised, as she cared for numerous white, well-to-do families over the years of her career. She made a point to tell the children each and every day, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” Poor grammar aside, she did this because she observed the children mostly being treated as an inconvenience by their parents, and she knew they could use all the positive reinforcement they could get. She wanted to implant those messages in their little brains, hopefully to counteract the negative messages they would inevitably hear from others as they grew up.

The same is true for the rest of us. If we hear a message often enough, especially from people who matter to us, we will begin to believe it, and it will begin to control what we accomplish.

This is the voice you hear in your head when you want to try something new, meet a challenge, take a giant leap into the unknown. The important thing is what is says to you. If it’s along the line of all the things you aren’t enough of…smart enough, fit enough, pretty enough, thin enough, wealthy enough, creative enough…or maybe all the things you are too much of…too heavy, too tall, too short, too slow, too shy, too inquisitive, too thin…you will struggle to rise above yourself and reach your goals. Truly, the lists of faults could be endless.

This is another reason why it’s so critical to surround yourself with people who love, support, and believe in you. People who will encourage you to reach for your dreams. People who will help you get back on track when you stumble. People who know and accept how amazing, talented, and gifted you are. After all, each one of us was created for a specific divine purpose.

Consider the real-life story of my mentor Paul Martinelli. Growing up in Pittsburgh, he stuttered. At the time, it was considered not a merely speech impediment, but a learning disability. People frequently told him he was stupid, incapable of learning, would never amount to much. He believed them…dropped out of high school. But over time, he continued to prove to himself he could do a lot of those things people said he never would, including overcoming his stutter because learning to recite a story flawlessly, and with humor, was the ticket to getting something he desperately wanted. He is a true entrepreneur, with big vision and he has made a name for himself, not just in the US, but internationally, as well. Today, he is well known in the personal development field and has worked with many of the other well-known leaders in the field. He is living proof that what you believe about your self can be a critical limiting factor, but when you learn to change your beliefs you can take on the world.

Pay attention to the voice in your head.

Be mindful of the way you talk to yourself, especially when you hit a speed bump.

Consider adopting this powerful phrase one of my mentors shared with me. Rather than assuming I was destined to not be good at certain things, he encouraged me to think more along this line: I was never good at __________ (fill in the blank), until now!

I was never good at ________________ (fill in the blank), until now!

What do you believe to be true about yourself?

What do you dream of and long for?

What’s holding you back?

What evidence do you have that you are “enough” of whatever it takes to achieve what you long for?

Take this challenge, right now — write down all your accomplishments — the ones you were confident you would achieve and the ones that surprised you. Then write down all of your failings. There are two key lessons with the second part — 1: What did you learn about yourself when you stumbled, and what did those lessons allow you to do when you got back up to try again; and, 2: What were the things you believed to be true about yourself that held you back from trying, again?

I’m confident, if you make an earnest effort at this exercise, you will be pleasantly surprised at how competent, talented, creative, accomplished you truly are!

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What’s your growth plan for 2013?

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2013| 2 Comments »

If you are reading this, you are probably already aware that growth doesn’t just happen – it’s intentional.

Knowing that, what’s your growth plan for this year? What do you want to learn? What do you want to know more about? What new skill would you like to develop? What new experience do you want to have?

These are all important questions to ask yourself. More important are the answers. Even more important is how will you address them? What is your plan for achieving those things you long for?

What is your plan for achieving those things you long for?

Remember, hope is not a strategy!

Making a resolution is not a strategy!

If you are serious about achieving your goals – and have experienced any kind of success in your life previously – you know that you must have a plan, and you must take specific action steps, and you must reflect on your process, and then make adjustments along your journey.

I have a plan; here it is:

  • I will spend no less than 2 hours weekly working my way through the amazing curriculum offered by the John Maxwell Team University (leadership philosophy, coaching, marketing and sales, business building, and so much more).
  • I will participate in a minimum of 4 hours of the mentorship calls each week (this is a resource I am still amazed to have access to through JMT). 
  • I will facilitate a minimum of 6 Mastermind Groups covering a variety of topics of growth, leadership and personal development, and how to reach higher levels of performance in whatever you choose to do.
  • I will spend a full week learning with the John Maxwell Team in February. Nothing like full immersion learning with ~500 others who share my passion!
  • I will intentionally teach someone something new at least 5 days a week; after all, teaching is the best way to really internalize something you are learning.
  • I will research and complete at least one other seminar, program or workshop – topic yet to be determined.
  • I will work with a professional performance coach, whose sole focus is supporting my success in whatever I strive to achieve.
  • I will learn from my coaching clients and Mastermind participants.
  • I will read at least 30 minutes every day.

Here’s my reading list (as I know it right this moment – I tend to fit a lot of other material in as I discover it!):

  • Think and Grow Rich
  • Put Your Dream to the Test
  • Off Balance
  • Failing Forward
  • 5 Levels of Leadership
  • Smart Trust
  • Crucial Conversations
  • Outliers
  • One Small Barking Dog
  • The Four Obsessions of an Extraordinary Executive
  • Go for Gold
  • Leadership Gold
  • Credibility
  • Platform
  • Standout
  • The Advantage
  • Thinkertoys

I will re-read:

  • Today Matters
  • The Rhythm of Life
  • The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership (at least twice!)
  • The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth (at least twice!)
  • The Five Dysfunctions of a Team
  • The Three Signs of a Miserable Job

And as I read, I will make notes, I will file deep thoughts, I will deliberately note the things I will Apply, Change, and Teach (ACT tool). Based on experience, I know these books will lead me to other books and materials, so I will follow the bread crumbs as they appear.

Of course, I know where I desire to grow, but I also know that along the way opportunities and needs to grow in unanticipated areas and ways will emerge in my life. And while I know I will find myself in some uncomfortable places, I will do my best to welcome the discomfort because I know it means I’m on the right path – to growth, to a better version of myself, to greater fulfillment.

So what’s your plan? How will you achieve it? How will you hold yourself accountable to your commitments? How will you respond when you encounter the enormous boulder in your path – will you allow it to derail you, or will you take a deep breath, consider the situation, reaffirm your desire, and access the creative genius in you that will show you the way through?

How will you respond when you encounter the enormous boulder in your path – will you allow it to derail you, or will you take a deep breath, consider the situation, reaffirm your desire, and access the creative genius in you that will show you the way through?

Here’s a hint: If you don’t schedule it, it won’t happen! If you are truly committed, focused, and driven, you will block out the time, plan your work and work your plan.

I welcome your calls if you need a coach to help you on your journey, and I look forward to hearing your stories…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Another simple, yet powerful question

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , on January 3, 2013| Leave a Comment »

So often, as we consider various actions and options, we ask “Can I?”

I don’t know about you, but I find that to be a very limiting question. It assumes there is a yes or a no answer. Are you able or are you not? Do you have permission, resources, etc…?

It’s very black and white. I have come to realize that I prefer to live more in the gray areas. You know, those places where the answer to most questions is “It depends,” because there are so many variables to consider.

What if we changed the question to “How can I?”

How can I?

Asking “how can I?” assumes that whatever you want to do is, in fact, possible. It may take some focused brainpower, some innovation, some reflection, some consideration of ideas you may not have wanted to pursue…it may take you to some uncomfortable places and cause you to need to learn something new…but, it assumes whatever you want to do is possible.

In the early 1990’s, I was single, lived alone in a small, one-bedroom apartment, and worked in a credit union. I had been looking at and wanting some furniture — a sofa and oversized chair and ottoman — for several years, but never felt I could afford. One day, I was in the furniture store’s clearance center and saw one of the chairs there. I sent me into a brief panic, thinking that line was being closed out and would no longer be available when I eventually felt I could afford to buy it.

For several years, I had been looking at purchasing this furniture in the “can I?” mode.

I was suddenly very motivated to do some real research. I discovered it wasn’t being closed out; I could still order it. I discovered when the next significant sale would be. I worked out a plan to have the pieces I wanted delivered to a location near where I lived (the store I was shopping in was nearly 4 hours from my home), and found someone with a truck and trailer who could pick it up. I spent a lot of time considering my finances and what I was willing to do differently with respect to spending and saving and planning.

I had shifted gears into “how can I?” mode. And this made all the difference.

I’m not saying it happened overnight, was easy, and required no sacrifice on my part, but it happened. Several months after seeing the chair in the clearance center, I was lounging comfortably on my new sofa, next to my beautiful oversized chair, which just barely fit into my tiny apartment. I loved that furniture til the day I donated it to a local mission a number of years later (big changes in my life, resulted in new furniture needs!).

I realize this is a pretty simplistic — and insignificant — example of how using this question can change your perspective, your ingenuity, your creativity, and your outcomes, but it represents the concept well enough, I think.

Let me know how asking “HOW can I?” is changing your life.

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Is it worth it?

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , , on December 21, 2012| 3 Comments »

Is. It. Worth. It.

Four (well, ok, three with one repeat) small words that are so, so powerful. This short question applies to nearly any decision, transition, or turning point you will encounter in your life. And depending on the decision you make, you have the power to change not only your life but the lives of others around you — for better or worse.

A number of years ago, a friend shared with me a weight loss hypnosis program. The foundation is to be aware of what you are doing each time you take a bite or drink of something, and to make a conscious decision rather than mindlessly eating and drinking whatever is put in front of you.

I ask myself this question when I am tempted to indulge in dessert. For me, if I am going to consume something, it needs to taste as delicious as I expect it to, so that I can deem it worth the calories I am consuming. If not, the answer is clearly no, it’s not worth it; at least not for me.

Last week, I finished reading What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, by Marshall Goldsmith, a very successful executive coach. There’s a section in the book in which he discusses encouraging his coaching clients to consider whether what they are about to say is worth it. It’s not only executives who could benefit from asking this simple question. The idea is to be aware of the potential impact and consequences of what you are about to say, including the way you would say it, on whomever you are speaking to.

I can think of a number of situations in which this question could prevent a lot of pain. Like when you’ve allowed someone to push your buttons and you are about to respond with a mean, hurtful remark. Like when you are in pain and want someone else to feel it, too. Like when you are already aware of what someone has decided to share with you, and you are tempted to say so — potentially giving the impression of superiority, or diminishing the value of the messenger and what they have to offer. Like when you are upset about something entirely disconnected to the person you’re with and are tempted to take it out on them.

Consider the value of this question when posed with a situation — perhaps an opportunity — that may be questionable. Meaning, it might seem like a good idea unless whatever it is were to become known publicly. In this case, it speaks to integrity (see earlier blog on “who are you when no one is looking”!). Are the risks and consequences worth whatever it is you think you will gain from doing whatever it is you are about to do?

What about when you are offered an opportunity that isn’t exactly on the path you’ve set for yourself? If the “detour” is a brief one, but offers the chance to learn a new skill, gain some new experience, or otherwise provide you with some benefit, and you can smoothly resume your journey, the answer may be yes; it may be worth it. If the “detour” will pull you in a very different direction than the path you’ve set for yourself, and you risk waking up one day in the future wondering “how in the world did I end up here? This isn’t what I wanted…” Well, in this case, it may not be worth it.

It applies when making financial decisions, as well. Do you purchase something simply because it carries a specific logo? Is your purchase decision based on quality? Is it based on the value you perceive the item to have, or based on the value others will perceive it to have?

I won’t pretend to imagine I know every single situation you may encounter when asking yourself this simple, yet oh-so-powerful question might save you — and those around you — some unnecessary pain, anxiety, discomfort, set-back on the way to your goals, but I do know there are numerous possibilities…daily.

The key is to be aware, to consider the potential risks, benefits, and consequences, and make a conscious decision about what to say or do next.

How could you benefit by taking the time to ask and answer this simple question:

Is it worth it?

I’ll leave the consideration to you. In the meantime, I encourage you to have an intentional day!

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Creating alignment and harmony

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , , , on December 5, 2012| Leave a Comment »

When you  consider your life, what do you see? How do you feel?

Earlier, we discussed how every thing is made of energy, and as such has a vibration, a frequency. When your words, actions, thoughts, and beliefs are in alignment, your vibration is in alignment with the rest of your life. When they are not, your vibration is not on the same frequency. You’ve heard the saying, “I got a bad vibe from that…” Well, the speaker may have thought he or she was speaking figuratively, but in fact, was speaking truth about the true state of the environment.

So, how do you get back in alignment and create harmony in your life when you feel “bad vibes”? The answer is simple but the solution may not necessarily be easy.

Harmony requires alignment with values, beliefs, thoughts, actions, and words. For example, if you say you desire a healthier lifestyle, what will we discover when we examine your life?

What’s in your refrigerator and pantry? Will we find healthy food and beverage choices?

How do you spend your free time? Exercising? Surfing the net? Watching TV?

With whom do you spend your time? People who share your desire for health and demonstrate that belief through activity and eating habits? Or with people who encourage you to eat the kinds of foods and spend time doing the kinds of things that do not result in a healthy lifestyle?

Nearly a year ago, I traveled to Florida for training. I chatted with the car service driver who drove me to the airport to return home. I asked him how he liked his job. He said it was good, offered him some flexibility. I asked him if he carried a book with him, for something to do between runs. He said no, with some enthusiasm; he lived nearby and was able to run home between calls. I asked what he did at home. I spend a lot of time on Facebook. I asked what he was doing on Facebook. He said he was reading about all the drama between his family and friends. I asked if he intended to drive people around indefinitely. Oh no, he said. He went on to explain that he wants to own his own business so he could be the boss and have flexibility to work when he wanted. I asked what kind of business. A car wash or maybe a gas station / convenience store would be nice, he thought. Then I asked the question that killed the conversation.

How will spending all your free time on Facebook, reading about the drama between your family members and friends, help you reach your goal of owning your own business?

The car was silent until we reached the airport, he removed my bags, I gave him a tip, and he said “Thank you” and drove away.

Please don’t read anything into my comment about Facebook. I use it for my business. I believe there are a lot of ways it can be useful. But, if one is spending all his / her time reading and posting family life and activity status updates, it seems unlikely to me that that behavior will help achieve the goal of owning a business.

The point here is this: His behaviors and words were not in alignment with his stated goal. I was disappointed that my simple inquiry killed the conversation. I hope I made him think.

If you think about it, this line of thinking can be applied to any aspect of your life, any goal, stated desire, any thing you want to achieve. Just take the time to reflect on your desires and what’s currently happening in your life. If you are in alignment, I applaud you. If your vibes feel wrong, and the feeling is uncomfortable enough that you are ready to do something about it, you might consider working with a skilled coach who can help you explore the disconnects and put together an achievable plan to reach your goals and change your circumstances.

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The brush of a feather…or a 2 x 4?

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2012| 1 Comment »

I am blessed to be mentored by Paul Martinelli, President of the John Maxwell Team. This last week he offered a lesson on coming to a place of harmony in one’s life.

If we understand that every thing is made from energy and every thing has a vibration, a frequency, this lesson will be easier to grasp.

If you are in a place in your life where all is as it should be, and you are in harmony, your frequency will be in sync with every thing around you. If you are not in harmony, then your vibration will be out of sync with every thing around you and you will begin to experience discomfort. Think of it as static — mixed signals making a lot of annoying, distracting noise — similar to what you might experience with a radio station from time-to-time.

Typically, it’s while you are in this state that you may feel the whisper-light brush of a feather on your cheek…and it may be nudging you in a new direction.

If you are self-aware enough to feel the brush of the feather and recognize it for what it is, you may allow yourself to move in that new direction- recognizing that it is time for you to make a change in some aspect of your life. If you don’t, the feather will continue its efforts to capture your attention and nudge you in the new direction, and it will become stronger, and stronger, and stronger, until it becomes a 2 x 4…and if you ignore the 2 x 4, it will soon feel as if you have been hit with a ton of bricks!

The message: It’s time for a change!

It’s time for a change!

I have experienced this on numerous occasions in my life, and if you look at my work history (or my sister’s address book entries for me!) you will begin to get the picture. I am not a maintainer; I am a concept developer, a starter, a “get it rolling and let someone else take over to handle the details and deal with the closure, while I move on to the next thing…” person. I love the challenge of change and the opportunity it provides for me to learn, grow, stretch, and discover.

As a result, in my professional life, once I feel I have mastered my responsibilities, I seek new ones. If it happened that I could do that with the same employer, life was good. If it happened that the opportunity wasn’t there, it was time to move on. For example, one of my jobs involved handling employee communication, media relations, grower communication (like stock holders), community relations, and managing a company store. As such, I was responsible for monthly and quarterly newsletters, for supporting a variety of community organizations — including attending a series of special events held at the same time each year, and a number of other tasks that quickly became routine. Once I felt I had mastered those routine tasks, and needed something new to keep my interest, I got involved with some HR initiatives to develop a high-performing organization. I took responsibility for leading the company’s Corporate Social Responsibility efforts.

When I discussed my career aspirations with the CEO, he said I could get involved in anything I wanted and take on any new responsibilities I was interested in, but he didn’t foresee the company hiring someone new to take on some of my “routine” duties. So, I could grow my position as much as I wanted, but I would not be able to shed any responsibilities. My response: If this “role/job/title” is all I will ever be here, then I’m in the wrong place, because I know I am destined to do more, to be more…It was time to leave. So, I did. It was a heart-wrenching decision, as this was the healthiest company I had ever worked for (and still holds that distinction), with people I enjoyed working with and learning from.

I have had this experience several times over the course of my career (20+ years). It’s not that the companies I’ve worked for were necessarily bad, or that the jobs I’ve held were bad…I simply outgrew them.

Looking back on that particular experience, I believe I recognized the brush of the feather fairly early. I branched out, took on new things, learned new skills, worked   on key initiatives not in my primary area of responsibility, and still I needed more. I needed to be able to let go of some things, so I could continue to take on the new things, continue to learn, grow, and be challenged. When I discovered it was not to be, at least not there, perhaps that was when the 2 x 4 hit me! It certainly resulted in significant changes in my life: Sold my house, moved to a new area, started a new job with a new challenge…

This message was very timely for me, as I am currently in that place again. I have one foot in one world and one foot in another world, one that I recognize as my true purpose, passion, reason for being here…this world I know is my future. I have some work to do to make the transition complete but I’ve followed the feather and am adjusting my course. I see all new road signs on this path, and they are directing me to my rightful place.

I am thankful for the experiences, the people who have guided me along the way, and the opportunities that are opening up for me.

What about you? Are you uncomfortable? Out-of-sync with people and/or circumstances in your life? Do you feel the static? Do you have one foot in one world and one foot in another? Or have you not taken the step because you are fearful?

Have you felt the feather brush your cheek? Or have you been hit by a 2 x 4?

Try being still…just breathe and listen…

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Gratitude

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , on November 22, 2012| 1 Comment »

It’s only fitting, on Thanksgiving Day, to write about gratitude.

Thankfulness

On this day, I want to share with you the things I am thankful for:

Having found my passion. The opportunity to live out my passion. The opportunity to do good work and add value to others.

The many gifts and talents bestowed upon me. The “divine appointments” with people who come into my life…it’s always for a reason!

Health. Books. Education. Learning. Growth.

Nice place to live. Reliable car.

People who love me, support me, nurture me, believe in me — both family and friends.

The people who have asked me to accompany them on their journeys (coaching clients).

The people who have invited me to share some of the lessons I’ve learned on communication, leadership, teamwork, influence, relationships, and growth (speaking engagements and workshop clients).

The people who have allowed me to facilitate learning opportunities through Mastermind Groups.

The people who have shared their stories and lessons learned with me, giving me the opportunity to learn from their experiences.

The opportunity to spend this holiday at an indoor water park with my husband and son (who will turn 6 next week) and watching the joy on my son’s face as he played on the slides, in the pools, under the various showers, and float along the “lazy river” in a double tube (he ought to sleep good tonight!). The opportunity to glide through the various enclosed tubes and slides, fast and free, totally exhilarated!

A delicious breakfast this morning — served by people working what would normally be their day-off. A yummy turkey dinner this afternoon.

As I was thinking about what I would write, I Googled “gratitude.” In addition to the usual links (dictionaries, Wikipedia, etc…), I came upon the Go Gratitude Project. I am fascinated by the premise; it makes me think of an earlier awakening I had when I invited all of you to start a movement with me — by asking people what they would want if they could ask for a small miracle — then, of course, doing whatever you could to create the miracle for them.

I have signed up for the Go Gratitude Project’s 42 days of gratitude messages (am assuming the first one will appear in my inbox tomorrow…we’ll see!). There is a link for something called the Master Key Movie which I intend to watch very soon (Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving Special is on, so I admit to being a little distracted!).

In the meantime, I offer this abridged list of the things I am thankful for on this glorious day.

What are you thankful for? Have you shared your gratitude with those who count?

It’s a powerful act — expressing gratitude.

Finally, I am thankful for you … the people who read what I write, share your thoughts and comments, and pass along my thoughts to others. I may not know you, but I am truly thankful for you.

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Recognizing the need to “show up”

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , , , on November 12, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I’ve recently finished reading two memoirs, one by Rob Lowe (Stories I Only Tell My Friends) and one by Andrew McCarthy (The Longest Way Home: One Man’s Quest for the Courage to Settle Down), and actually enjoyed them both very much.

Both shared stories of their personal journeys, and while they phrase it differently, both were (are) striving to become a better version of themselves so they are able to “show up” and really be present for the people they love. As McCarthy put it, it wasn’t just about being able to be physically present with his family – that would be easy enough – but more importantly to be emotionally present, available, vulnerable, and truly connect with his loved ones.

As they both “grew up” in the insanity of Hollywood, it may be easy for us to think we know them as we’ve heard stories about them for years in the media – but I caution you from making that mistake; all is not necessarily what it appears to be on the surface. Yes, they made mistakes. Yes, they drank too much, partied too hard. And yes, thankfully, they recognized there was more to life than that and that their previous behaviors were not going to get them to the places and people they longed for.

Through it all, they proved that everyone has issues, challenges, fears, hopes, dreams, and makes mistakes; the hard stuff in life is not withheld from the wealthy, popular, and privileged. Life is life. People are people. Regardless of our circumstances, we all struggle with something.

…dreams coming true don’t change your feelings.

As Lowe said at one point, I tried to “outrun loneliness, outrun feeling ‘different,’ and outrun the shock that dreams coming true don’t change your feelings.” It reminded me of the saying: “Wherever you go, there YOU are.” Meaning, the grass may seem greener on the other side, but when you go there, you still have all your personal baggage…issues, fears, insecurities…it all goes with you. So the key is to change yourself, and maybe your environment, as well. But changing just your environment won’t bring you to the place you long to be.

Nothing in life is unfair. It’s just life. To the extent that I had any inner turmoil, I had only myself to blame.

At another point, Lowe says, “So, I came to the realization: Nothing in life is unfair. It’s just life. To the extent that I had any inner turmoil, I had only myself to blame.” I like this because it reminds me to take personal responsibility for my circumstances. Stuff happens in life; sometimes good, sometimes bad, and sometimes neutral. What matters is how I choose to approach it and what decisions I make about how I move forward. 

Near the end, Lowe says, “I also thought of my two boys and what kind of example I hoped to be. I would always want them to take charge of their own futures and not be paralyzed by the comfort and certainty of the status quo or be cowed by the judgment of those on the outside looking in.” High hopes for this father of two; but isn’t this what we would all want for our children, our loved ones, ourselves?

I applaud McCarthy and Lowe not only for taking the journey and being open to its lessons, but also for having the courage to bare at least a sliver of their souls to us in telling the stories; through their growth, we can be inspired and perhaps approach our own journeys with some assurance that we are not alone.

As the saying goes, I am striving to never settle for the path of least resistance, as I know that is the road to complacency. Complacency means no growth, and that doesn’t work for me. It’s also about continuing to reach for those things I know in my heart to be true and right for me, which doesn’t always match up with what others think I should be doing. 

What do you need to do to be able to truly “show up” for your life?

What journey are you – or should you be – on?

How will you chronicle your adventures and lessons learned?

Will you share it with others, so they can learn from your experiences?

*Please don’t get the impression I didn’t enjoy McCarthy’s story as much as Lowe’s; I just didn’t take notes as I went through it – I will when I re-read it.

 

 

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Breakthrough thinking

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , on November 4, 2012| Leave a Comment »

When I was little, my mom used to bake me a chocolate-chocolate chip cake every year for my birthday. Oh, it was rich, moist, and yummy. I so looked forward to my birthday every year so I could have some (and yes, I confess to eating most of the cake myself, it was that good!). When I was in my teens, I asked her for the recipe, so I could bake the cake myself.

I was in my middle twenties, having a conversation with a friend about favorite desserts and sharing how rich and delicious this cake was, and how I couldn’t wait for it to be my birthday, so I could have some.

My friend asked, do you have the recipe? Yes.

Well, can you get what you need to make it at a grocery store? Yes.

Is there something about this recipe I don’t understand that would make it possible for you to bake this cake only at your birthday? No, it’s just…and I rattled off the ingredients.

Then she asked the key question: I guess I don’t understand, she said. Why couldn’t you just go to the store and buy the ingredients and bake the cake anytime?

This was twenty years ago, and I remember it so clearly. The proverbial light bulb went off above my head as I realized there was no reason why I couldn’t bake the cake any day of the year. I had constructed rules that said I could have that particular cake only on my birthday. The constraints were all created and enforced by me. And when asked the right question, I realized how ridiculous it was, and that I could change my beliefs and behavior about the cake at any time.

Now, this is truly a trivial and insignificant issue in the scheme of life, but it’s an excellent example of the power of the coaching process.

As a coach, my job is to ask my participants questions that will stimulate their thinking, allowing them to examine the rules, constraints, beliefs, and self-created barriers that are keeping them from achieving their goals and reaching their potential. These “aha!” moments don’t happen in every session, but they happen, and once they do, it’s amazing to watch people realize that the only thing holding them back is themselves.

That’s the moment when true, significant growth and change takes place.

Looking forward to experiencing more of these moments in upcoming coaching sessions with the amazing people I am blessed to coach.

What’s holding you back?

What’s your equivalent to my chocolate cake?

When you’re ready to experience the power of this process, call me. I’ll be waiting…

And yes, if you want the recipe, I’m happy to share. Over the past 20 years, I’ve enjoyed that cake on numerous occasions throughout the year — and on my birthday!

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Are you living on “Someday Isle”?

Posted in Food for Thought, tagged , , , , , on October 20, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Picture it…beautiful, sunny, tropical island. You’ve seen it in travel brochures, Corona commercials, and countless web links. Amazingly clean white sandy beaches, palm trees, a hammock or oh-so-comfy lounge chair overlooking ocean that is an impossibly blue-green color. Sounds delightful? Unfortunately, it’s the wrong place!

Several weeks ago, I was on a coaching call with a client and he shared this quote with me: “On the road to success, we often find ourselves living on Someday Isle,” attributed to Brian Tracy. (My sincere apologies, Brian, if I didn’t get it exactly right.) This thought has reverberated through my brain ever since.

On the road to success, we often find ourselves living on Someday Isle.

Clearly, the Isle is not some tropical island in the South Pacific; what he’s really referring to is “someday I’ll,” as in “someday, I will…” presumably do something, that one seems to never really get around to.

Sad to say, I am intimately familiar with this Isle; it is the place a dear woman once in my life repeatedly told me she was going to get to “one of these first days.” I resisted the urge to ask her exactly which days on the calendar “these first days” were, because in my heart I knew they would never appear on any calendar and she would never do any of those things she spoke of.  Perhaps she, too, recognized she would never do those things either, and maybe it felt better to her to say it that way than to admit she had no intention of following through. Maybe she thought it would feel better to those people who would someday be on the receiving end of all those delightful things she said she would do “one of these first days.” I don’t know about the rest of them, but it left me feeling disappointed and sad.

I have to admit, I struggle with procrastination, as well. Not on the very important things, most of the time. But I sometimes find myself wanting to do the easier things, the more rewarding things before tackling the things that will be less immediately rewarding but are important nonetheless. As I’m becoming more self-aware, I am quicker about recognizing my lapses in focus and can get back on track faster than I did earlier in my life.

With increased self-awareness, I strive to be more intentional in my thoughts and actions, with a keener awareness of the consequences of my actions and inactions. And I recognize that when I procrastinate, I am the one who really loses. And I am acutely aware that this is “not a dress rehearsal.” It’s important to me that I not reach a point in my life when I look back and say things like: I’m so sad I never….I wish I would have gotten around to doing…I wonder how my life would have been different if only I had…

I’m currently reading The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, by John Maxwell; I’m currently facilitating a Mastermind Group studying this book.  In one of the early chapters, John recounts a lesson he learned about procrastination and his focus on “do it now.” It’s a mantra he repeats each day before rising and each night before drifting off to sleep. I think it’s invaluable advice; a practice I am working on myself.

This is truly a hard habit to break. So allow yourself time to develop and internalize new habits, ones that better serve you and what you are striving to achieve. The key is getting started. And there’s no time like today, right now, this minute!

What are you procrastinating about getting done?

What are you missing out on by continuing to put things off?

Just how much time are you willing to spend on Someday Isle?

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