Last week, faithful reader Amy asked me to elaborate on constraints and perception of self as relates to achieving goals. Thank you, Amy, for reading, commenting, and asking for me. Here are my thoughts. Let me know if this clarifies the concepts.
External Barriers
Have you heard of food deserts? Apparently, in some inner cities, there aren’t enough grocery stores and the ones they have are not conveniently located for all. People who live in these areas are challenged to provide healthy meals for their families because if they don’t have a car, they have to rely on public transportation — or getting a ride from others — to get them to and from the grocery store. They are then limited in what they purchase based on what they can carry back easily and what will not start to spoil (frozen or refrigerated items) on the way home. In addition, they would need to plan menus in advance to ensure what they bought would be just what they would need in the coming days. There are, however, fast food restaurants and convenience stores. As you can imagine, for many in these areas, their nutritional intake is less than optimal. This is an example of an external barrier, created by forces outside us. It presents a challenge, but those who are committed to eating healthier food will find a way to overcome it.
Constraints
When my husband and I decided to start a family, we agreed we wanted one of us to be at home with our kids. We were in a position, financially, to be able to do this. We have a son, and my husband has been home with him since I returned to work after maternity leave about six years ago. This decision, while it has been great for us — and I wouldn’t do it differently given the opportunity, has created some constraints. Living on one income required us to be extra careful with how we spend money, not often buying high-priced items, and we don’t take elaborate vacations. This is an example of a self-imposed constraint, made with full awareness of what we were investing and sacrificing. And, at any time we can make a different decision about how we handle this area of our lives; we have that control.
Self-Limiting Beliefs
What you believe to be true about yourself is the single most powerful indicator of your success. As Henry Ford said, Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right. These beliefs are formed very early in our lives, mostly based on what others tell us about ourselves and what we are capable of. After all, as you are a child growing up, surrounded by older and presumably (but not necessarily) wiser people, we believe what they say is true and possible; how are we to know otherwise?
Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re right. — Henry Ford
I’m reminded of the movie The Help, set in 1962 Jackson, Mississippi. The main character, a black housekeeper named Abilene tells the story of the children she raised, as she cared for numerous white, well-to-do families over the years of her career. She made a point to tell the children each and every day, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” Poor grammar aside, she did this because she observed the children mostly being treated as an inconvenience by their parents, and she knew they could use all the positive reinforcement they could get. She wanted to implant those messages in their little brains, hopefully to counteract the negative messages they would inevitably hear from others as they grew up.
The same is true for the rest of us. If we hear a message often enough, especially from people who matter to us, we will begin to believe it, and it will begin to control what we accomplish.
This is the voice you hear in your head when you want to try something new, meet a challenge, take a giant leap into the unknown. The important thing is what is says to you. If it’s along the line of all the things you aren’t enough of…smart enough, fit enough, pretty enough, thin enough, wealthy enough, creative enough…or maybe all the things you are too much of…too heavy, too tall, too short, too slow, too shy, too inquisitive, too thin…you will struggle to rise above yourself and reach your goals. Truly, the lists of faults could be endless.
This is another reason why it’s so critical to surround yourself with people who love, support, and believe in you. People who will encourage you to reach for your dreams. People who will help you get back on track when you stumble. People who know and accept how amazing, talented, and gifted you are. After all, each one of us was created for a specific divine purpose.
Consider the real-life story of my mentor Paul Martinelli. Growing up in Pittsburgh, he stuttered. At the time, it was considered not a merely speech impediment, but a learning disability. People frequently told him he was stupid, incapable of learning, would never amount to much. He believed them…dropped out of high school. But over time, he continued to prove to himself he could do a lot of those things people said he never would, including overcoming his stutter because learning to recite a story flawlessly, and with humor, was the ticket to getting something he desperately wanted. He is a true entrepreneur, with big vision and he has made a name for himself, not just in the US, but internationally, as well. Today, he is well known in the personal development field and has worked with many of the other well-known leaders in the field. He is living proof that what you believe about your self can be a critical limiting factor, but when you learn to change your beliefs you can take on the world.
Pay attention to the voice in your head.
Be mindful of the way you talk to yourself, especially when you hit a speed bump.
Consider adopting this powerful phrase one of my mentors shared with me. Rather than assuming I was destined to not be good at certain things, he encouraged me to think more along this line: I was never good at __________ (fill in the blank), until now!
I was never good at ________________ (fill in the blank), until now!
What do you believe to be true about yourself?
What do you dream of and long for?
What’s holding you back?
What evidence do you have that you are “enough” of whatever it takes to achieve what you long for?
Take this challenge, right now — write down all your accomplishments — the ones you were confident you would achieve and the ones that surprised you. Then write down all of your failings. There are two key lessons with the second part — 1: What did you learn about yourself when you stumbled, and what did those lessons allow you to do when you got back up to try again; and, 2: What were the things you believed to be true about yourself that held you back from trying, again?
I’m confident, if you make an earnest effort at this exercise, you will be pleasantly surprised at how competent, talented, creative, accomplished you truly are!
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